Why you should have a parenting philosophy?
What do words spring to mind when you think about parenting? Exhaustion, lack of sleep, coffee? Think back to before you had children and your parented your imaginary children, remember how amazing you thought you would be? How you would know everything and it would be perfect, how far from this dream land is your current reality?
Have you moved some goal posts that were unrealistic? Have you learnt more about attachment theory and education? Why have you moved from this path to another one and was an intentional detour?
In reflecting on and thinking about who we wanted to be as parents we can see unrealistic ideals, but we can also see the formation of a parenting philosophy or guidebook that has directed us since we had our children. Sometimes we haven’t been aware of this guiding force, other times it is a deliberate and conscious decision.
Some will say having a parenting philosophy is a little odd, for us, it helps guide us, reduces arguments and allows our decisions to always align with our values and our goals for Little Ninja. Taking time to take stock of where you are and where you want to be as a parent can only benefit your child and as with everything in the last 12 months really show you want is important to you and your family.
Your parenting philosophy
is your northern star
A philosophy acts as a northern star, guiding you on your parenting adventure. Imagine you are a sailor and view the north star as your directional point, your way to stay on course, no matter where you are or what the seas throw at you. Northern Star goals are long term, aspirational goals that are there to motivate, inspire and uplift you. Your northern star, can be different to other peoples, but is there for you to align your choices, decisions to. Anything that doesn’t take you in the direction of your northern star, doesn’t fit in your family and home.
Your northern star is a family affair, every member of the family should know what it is and be working towards the same goal. This doesn’t mean it has to be a fancy vision board, but if you want to get the scissors and glue out - go for it. Rather it should be a shared understanding of what you are working towards and how you aim to parent.
Once you have this crystal clear, it becomes easier not to be distracted by the latest shiny parenting advice, what your well meaning neighbour recommends or fall into the dreaded comparison trap. This allows you to welcome in new ideas that align and move you forward and say no to everything else without guilt or worry.
is a mix and match of ideas
“I also have found that reflecting on each and considering how each can be manifested in day-to-day interactions with children is a powerful and humbling process. It turns out that philosophies are only as good as the actions that reflect them.”
Think the pattern clashing of the parenting world, mix it up with not a care who sees. There is no set recipe to follow to be the perfect parent for your child, you get to decide that.
The best part is that your philosophy is YOURS. You can pick and choose what suits your and fits with your ideals, beliefs and values.
Sometimes online you can feel that you must adhere to a particular idea in its entirety for it to be effective or for you to be a ‘good’ parent. I know I have felt this pressure to do every single idea within a philosophy to feel I as ‘doing’ it. But the reality is that you can pick and choose, not all aspects of a particular parenting approach will suit you or your family, and that is OKAY.
You don't have to be a Montessori/Reggio/Gentle (insert any other ideology here) to be a worth and amazing parent.
For your family you might, have Montessori open shelves filled with Reggio inspired open-ended materials. You could have a yes space for your child, but only in one part of the house with clear boundaries. You can pick and choose everything, the ball is in your court.
is unique to you
“No two family ideals are the same
No two family beliefs are the same
No two family values are the same”
So ... no two families should look the same
Designing a parenting philosophy allows you to consciously decide what suits and fits in with your family. You can design it to suit your individual family values and beliefs about parenting and childhood. There is nothing to say that you need to follow what anyone else is doing, one particular theory or belief or that you need to parenting in a particular way. That is the best part, you can do it however you see fit.
Consider how everyone has a unique finger print, how everyone parents will be slightly different too. There maybe similarities but no two parents are the same. The biggest thing here is getting everyone on the same page of the same book. When we have a clear image and philosophy of our parenting it is easier to articulate this to others and to set parenting goals that keep everyone reading the same book. Taking the time to really sit down, discuss it and even write it down will help you find your uniqueness in parenting.
Remember: you can change it
As you learn, grow and life throws you curve balls your parenting views can alter and change.
So ... when you write your own parenting philosophy, you can rewrite at any stage!
As your children grow, and you learn who they are, you can alter your approach to suit their individual needs. Remember when you were parenting your imaginary children, you had a different view of parenting and how you would respond, then you had a newborn who thought sleep was for the weak and you threw out the baby with the bath water and rewrote what you thought parenting would be. Well, you can throw out the rule book that you write at any stage, I have done this so many times I have lost count.
I will give you one example, in our house we avoid praise and try to build intrinsic motivation through describing what is happening and avoiding personal judgments. Think: “you tidied your room” over “good girl”. My goal was to always say this in a neutral tone … then came toilet learning. After weeks of not showing emotion, many messes, I decided to excitedly say, “you did a wee”, and that was all it needed. I am not back to trying to keep emotion out of it, as I hope for her to do things for herself and not to please me … but I rewrote the rule book … then rewrote it again. There is nothing wrong with this, you are the author of your own philosophy.
So, there is a lot to think about, digest and reflect on. This may seem overwhelming and complex, but it will create a clear road map towards your northern star. I would love to know how would you describe your parenting philosophy?
